The Easy Guide To Public Non-Apologies

September 7, 2012

The Easy Guide To Public Non-Apologies

They’re a sorry lot but they’re not apologising. The last few weeks has seen a procession of high-profile blokes, feet firmly in mouths, making the sort of comments it would be good to think belong in the sixties. The eighteen sixties that is. More evolved men must surely be mortified at the latest outpourings of Alan Jones and his ilk.

Some offenders doggedly avoid any penitence altogether. Others, backed into a corner, do their utmost to perform damage limitation without admitting any wrongdoing.

The non-apologies have their own language involving an intricate verbal dance designed to distract, confuse and evade. Some also like to invoke fear of the country being overtaken by rampaging hordes of left-wing feminists (apparently that would be bad). To save everyone having to decipher the same old statements, here’s a quick reference guide.

Says Means
IF I offended anyone… Not that I’m admitting anything. Your feelings are unreasonable and you must be one of those leftie feminists.
I love women… Especially those who devote themselves to making my life better by saving me those pesky domestic tasks.
I don’t hate women, I’m married to one… Just like a hefty proportion of the defendants in domestic violence cases.
A joke that was blown out of proportion… Most people will keep quiet rather than be accused of having no sense of humour – and we all know that the feminist hordes have no sense of humour about these things.
Right-thinking… People who blindly agree with me without feeling the need to engage their brain.
Un-Australian People who disagree with me.
People are attacking my wife for …. Go for the sympathy vote
I have the utmost respect for women. So long as they don’t try running the country/state/corporation
I regret my words/actions I regret getting caught and feeling forced to apologise.
My comments were taken out of context. Who knows, pretending that women are unreasonable may just work – it has every other time I tried it.
I believe in women’s equality. So long as they stay in the kitchen.
I’m surrounded by women at home, they keep me in my place… In parliament.
My humorous remarks… Can’t these silly women understand my sophisticated jokes?

Remind me again who it is that is destroying the joint?


Got another example of standard public apology speak to share?



  1. “I aaah like women, my aaah wife and two of my aaah daughters are women. Some of my aaah best women are friends haha.”
    – of course this is a rough translation, I’m sure I don’t need to attribute it.

    • Classic! I’m not sure which is scariest, that he’s likely to win an election or that so few people seem to have a problem with his words.

    • Ah, the oh-so-delightful wannabe PM…what a way with words. Not a good way, just a way.

  2. More courtesy of Alan Jones…
    The tape was edited and audio quality was compromised = lets try and convince them they’re hard of hearing, it worked when I was 3 years old.
    Somebody else said it first=I have the maturity of a 3 year old
    I’m a victim too (insert random example of real or imagined persecution) = its not my fault, I have the maturity of a 3 year old.
    I didn’t know there was a journalist there = I thought I’d get away with it.

  3. Great work, I will share this when I’m on my PC

  4. Humor is certainly an effective tool to consciousness raising, you do it well Peter…

  5. Reblogged this on AZIAZONE.

  6. Thanks guys… I grew up watching comedy and saw how humour created a positive shift in race relations where I lived. Also it seems the favourite retreat of the misogynists is to claim women should have more humour about their ‘antics’ so I figure poking a little fun is gonna take the wind out of their sails. Mind you, there’s a lot of wind in them bags… (ps, loving your blog Wixxy, looking forward to it every time there’s a new post).

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